Setting Christian Boundaries…

It seems like there should be a verse that reads: To everyone God has appointed at least one difficult person.

The truth is that we all have relationships that drive us to distraction, and one key challenge is figuring out how to set Christian boundaries.

Should I let him soak up all my time or is it okay to say, ‘no’?  

Should I rescue her again or let her experience the consequences of her actions? 

Do I let it go or say the tough things? 

What do I do?

The good news is that while it is hard to set boundaries, you can learn to do it. Jesus set boundaries, and you can, too!

Love is not always giving people what they want.   We see this in Jesus’ life, which is why He often had to set boundaries. He drove sellers out of the temple, rebuked the Pharisees’ hypocrisy and left the disciples to spend alone time with God.

So how do you determine the best way to love that tough person?  Try running your  decision through the following principles.  They will help you love well.

Ten Keys in Setting Boundaries:

1.  Seek God’s will – Listen to God, not others.

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe. Proverbs 29:25

2.  Love their soul.

Love is not taking the easy way out by being “nice.”  Nice is an American concept and love is the biblical goal.

3.  Love sincerely.

Love is the key ingredient in every relationship. When you love someone, everything you do is for them and nothing you do or say comes from a vengeful or punishing perspective.

4.  Have supportive relationships. 

Surround yourself with godly friends who will encourage and support you in doing the right thing.

5.  Take responsibility for your own actions

Rarely is the problem the fault of only one person. If you own your part of the problem, the other person will be more likely to accept your boundaries.

6.  Invite them to change.

The first step in confronting someone should never be a limit, but always an invitation to change.

7.  Warn them.

If you just set limits out of the blue, this person may feel ambushed and become angry with you. A warning, on the other hand, gives them a choice.

8. Be patient.

A warning, if not accompanied with patience, is an ultimatum.

Patience means providing the ingredients for growth while allowing that person time to respond.

9.  Follow through with consequences.

Remember that consequences have nothing to do with anger, revenge, or punishment. They are there to protect you and to help this person deal with the reality of their actions.

10. Practice continual forgiveness.

Don’t give negative attitudes a chance to grow – practice forgiveness day by day.

We all have difficult people in our lives, yet God calls us to love them well.  To do this, make all your decisions based on what will best promote the other person’s spiritual and eternal good.  Setting Christian boundaries is the loving thing to do.

In His Grip,

Mary

Time to Keep Some Margin…

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. (Proverbs 14:1)

She quietly shared that life just seemed to be fraying around the edges, especially in her home.  As we talked it was clear that the frenzied pace she kept was taking a toll on her home. “I love to be busy” she said. Yet the fruit of that busyness was not the fruit she desired for her home and family.

When we live at a pace that continually drains us we end up taking it out on those closest to us. Complaining, frustration and lack of patience can surface all too often. As women we can actually be tearing down relationships by our own hand and not even be aware we are doing so. A wise woman will take note of her reactions and make a choice to be a builder.

If your quiet time with God has slipped by the wayside of your life it won’t be long before you notice the tell-tale reactions of complaining, negativity and frustration in your life and relationships.

Ask God to help you keep some margin in your life so you are not running to the max all the time. Learn to choose your time investments carefully.

Ask God to come in a fresh way into your life to help you make time with Him a priority. Choose to make some changes in your schedule so God can make some changes in your heart. Invite His Holy Spirit to be the change agent in your life today. Ask for what the Bible calls the fruit of the Holy Spirit. (Galatians 5:22) It’s “The Great Exchange.” He will help you build your relationships. You can depend on God to be your source for all your needs.

    Exchange your weakness for His strength.

    Exchange your unsatisfied heart for His joy.

    Exchange your annoyance with His love.

    Exchange your anxiety with His peace.

    Exchange your impatience for His patience.

    Exchange your complaining for His contentment.

    Exchange your harsh attitude for His gentleness.

Father in Heaven, Today I ask that You would forgive me for foolishly reacting in ways that can tear my relationships down. Fill me afresh today with the fruit of Your Holy Spirit. May I be a wise woman filled with the wisdom and revelation that Your Spirit offers me. Help me to choose my activities carefully and to leave some margin in my life for rest. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

In His Grip,

Mary

Generosity…a lesson.

Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.  (Luke 6:38, NLT)

Every year, as I begin a new season, I ask the following question of myself:

“In what area of your life do you believe God most desires to work?”

At the beginning of this year, I contemplated this question, one word came to mind: generosity. I have struggled for most of my life with generosity, specifically in regard to money. I confess I am stingy, and I don’t like it!  When God brought that word to mind, my prayer went something like this: Again, Lord? I feel like I’ve been working on this generosity thing for quite some time. Do you really want me to repeat it as my focus this year? Aren’t there more pressing issues you want me to explore?

Much begging, pleading, and petitioning went on before I finally gave in and agreed:

Okay! Alright! I surrender this ugly part of my heart to You. Lord, make me sensitive to Your leading in this area of my life. Please open doors and make it clear to me when you are calling me to be generous with Your good gifts. I really do love You, Lord, and I want to demonstrate my love by being generous with others. I ask these things in Your Holy Name, Lord Jesus, Amen.

In the weeks that followed my commitment to God, the word “generosity” kept floating through my thoughts. I wondered what God had in store for me.

One busy day after work, I was standing in line at the grocery store; there was a woman in front of me who was trying to use her food-stamps card, which is a government-issued card to help with food items. Every time this lady entered her password to activate the card, the machine refused to recognize it as valid. Becoming increasingly frustrated, she finally told the cashier that she would have to set her groceries aside and call the government.

My heart went out to her…how embarrassing all this must be! Then I felt that still, small voice in my heart say, “Why don’t you pay for her groceries?”

“What? Well, you know, Lord, if they were only $20, I would pay for them; but they are way more than triple that amount! I just can’t do that!”

“Why don’t you pay for her groceries?” that voice prodded once again.

“I don’t know what my husband would say if I did that. I don’t think I should without his permission.” ((When I don’t want to do something, I play this card…))

“Why don’t you pay for her groceries?” He was relentless!

I couldn’t get the thought out of my head, and I continued to argue with God as the cashier rang up my bill. Shaking inside, I asked myself,  “Should I do this? I don’t know. Yes, you do! Quit fighting; isn’t this what you prayed for? Okay, okay! I give in!  I’ve got it! I’ll do it!”

I turned to the cashier and asked, “Would it be okay if I paid for that woman’s groceries?”

The cashier was a little taken aback as she said, “You do realize that it’s close to eighty dollars?”

“Yes, I know, and I’m fine with that; would it be alright?” I replied, as if it was easy for me to hand over the money!

The transaction took just a moment of our time, and she looked at me and asked, “Do you want to tell her?”

I knew what the Lord wanted me to do.

“No, I think you should tell her,” I responded, and I walked out of the store. No – I actually floated! I could not believe what I was feeling; this incredible joy filled my soul as I walked out in wonder and amazement that God would give me such an incredible gift!

Oh, how selfish my heart has been, and what joy I have missed by allowing stinginess to invade my soul. What is wrong with me? Why do I wrestle with God when He knows best? Why do I quibble over a measly eighty dollars when my heavenly Father has given me a gift that all the words in the world cannot describe?

Jesus said: Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.  (Luke 6:38, NLT)

How true I found this to be in my own life when I finally obeyed the promptings of God. That’s the miracle of generosity: when we give with a pure heart, not expecting anything in return, God gives us so much more than we can ever ask or imagine!

I am working on another gift of generosity that God led me to.  It was very clear and I did not argue this time.  It will be a stretch for me…it’s a year-long gift and a huge commitment for me since I rarely ever finish what I start…so, prayers welcomed here!  This gift has just started May 2013 but I cannot wait to see what God has in store for this young man and the lesson He has prepared for me as well.

Lord, I confess that I have desired to cling to possessions and live like there is nothing more to life. Open my heart, my wallet, and my will to do whatever you call me to do. Enable me to see the needs of others, and grant me a passion to meet those needs with a generous and cheerful spirit. I ask these things in Your Holy and Precious Name, Lord Jesus, Amen.

Questions: Do you find yourself clinging to your money or possessions, as I had been? In what areas of your life is God calling you to be generous?

In His Grip,

Mary

The perfect conditions…

He that observeth the wind shall not sow, and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap. Ecclesiastes 11:4

If you are waiting for all the right conditions before you do what you know the Lord has called you to do, you may be waiting a long time. How many times have you said something to the effect…

I’ll do it when my children are grown so I’ll have more time…or

I’ll do it when I get a promotion because I’ll be in a better position it give…or

when my husband gets saved because then I’ll have the support that I need…or

when I get a better education I’ll be better equipped to handle the task…etc etc?

Too often we put off the important things (the things of God in our lives) because everything is not just perfect around us…we want things to be just “so-so” before we’ll make a move.

When God told Joshua that it was time to enter into the promised land, He told him to send the priest out first. The priests were suppose to step in the water of the Jordan River to cross over. What if they had waited for the conditions to be just right? What if their attitude had been, “We’ll go into the river when God rolls it back, or removes the water, or builds a bridge, that way we won’t get our shoes wet.” As we look in the Bible we see that many of God’s servants did not always have all the perfect conditions to work in, but they did it anyway… they took a step of faith. The right condition for Gideon would have been to have a big army with him, but the Lord cut it back to 300…. not the right conditions to win a battle.

Waiting for the right conditions means we are waiting on the conditions that we have chosen we want to do it our own way, in our own time. God chooses the conditions and they may not always seem favorable. Look at the conditions that Paul went through in order to get the gospel out. Stop waiting for all the right conditions…conditions of your own choosing. Because even if the conditions did change and they became exactly like you wanted them you would still wind up finding another “reason” (excuse) as to why you can’t. Don’t wait for everything to be perfect; don’t wait for things to change; because in both cases… it just may not happen.

In His Grip,

Mary

Do you value your feelings, or hide them?

For most of my Christian life I have been taught to not trust my feelings.  I think this has been a huge mistake and it is something that I have been trying hard to reverse for most of my adult life.  If I could summarize what I have been taught it would go something like this:

“feelings can change like the wind so don’t put your trust in them,” or…

“if you do what you ‘feel’ like doing you will end up sinning…after all, you may not ‘feel’ like going to work today or get out of bed or pay your bills,” or worse yet…

“what if you ‘feel’ like leaving your spouse or having an adulterous affair.” 

Because of statements like these and many more, the value I was taught to apply to my feelings was very low.  In the end, I even believed my feelings were sinful, where most of my sin nature resided, and something to be suppressed, ignored, denied, and repressed.  Certainly, I was communicated to that feelings were too mysterious for the serious.

In addition to this is the fact that an appropriate and balanced approach as to how I was to handle my emotions was rarely, if ever, modeled to me in the Christian circles in which I hung out.  Most of the adults in my life held a very tight rein on their emotions and looked down on someone who would be demonstrative or emotional.  Losing it in public was the last thing anyone would want to do.  It was always something to apologize for and be embarrassed about.  This was especially true for the emotion of anger.  If a person was guilty of an angry explosion, this was always interpreted as sinful behavior.

The impact this had on me was to make me afraid of confrontation and conflict.  If someone became upset or angry with me it made me very uncomfortable to the point that I would get all panicky inside.  It’s like I would want to run a 100 miles in the other direction and if I couldn’t escape I would become embarrassed and sweaty and nervous and red-faced.  I also learned how to bury my own anger and the rest of my feelings too.  Because of this I became very disconnected from these parts of myself.  I became the poster child for “the person who was out of touch with his feelings.”  I know I wasn’t the only one, rather, I think this was the status quo and the norm.

The more I counsel and the more that I study God’s Word, the more I have realized how hurtful this kind of teaching on feelings is.  What I understand now is how important our feelings are to our understanding of ourselves, the world around us, and how important feelings are in order to have a clear and healthy understanding of whom God is.

God is the creator and author of feelings.  He is also a God who has feelings.  He feels jealous, angry, wrathful, loving, sorrowful, sad, loving, passionate, hopeful, proud, delighted, peaceful, rejected (without taking it personally), exploited, and a full range of other emotions I’m sure.  Jesus showed His anger when He cleared out the temple of the money-changers, His grief when He wept over the city of Jerusalem, and over the death of His friend Lazarus, His compassion for the woman at the well, and His disgust over the way the Pharisees used their religious power to dominate regular people.

I was also taught in our subculture we call conservative Christianity, or the community of born-againers, the pre-eminency of obedience, and what we do over who we are, and how we behave and what we believe over how we feel.  In 33 years of my being a Christian I don’t believe I can recall one sermon or teaching on the importance of my feelings.  That is startling and telling in and of it self because we are taught not only by what is said, but also by what isn’t said.  Consequently, there is a whole body of people out there who are being taught daily not to value their feelings, and to disregard them, and to shove them down.  I believe this only adds to our subculture’s sickness and phoniness.

It is also very unnecessary because God gave us our feelings as a gift to us.  We have them because He made us in His image, and since He is a feeling God, we are feeling human beings.  Without our feelings we would be robots or like Spock from “Star Trek.”  Imagine being in-love or a romantic relationship without your feelings.  Imagine being a Christian and not having any feelings or emotions toward God.

I spend a great deal of time in counseling helping Christians get reconnected with feelings they have been told are bad.  Sometimes this reconnection is more like a first-time connection.  I encourage people to cry when they feel sadness, to embrace their anger as their friend and ally, and to laugh when something is truly funny amidst the hard work of therapy.  This is an important part of what makes therapy therapeutic!

If, like me, you have heard the negative message about your feelings, at least hear “this voice, speaking in the wilderness,” and “shouting from the mountain tops” about the incredible value and the gift of your feelings, and how they are necessary for you to own, understand, and be in touch with if you are going to be a spiritually mature person.

Start feeling and sharing!

In His Grip,

Mary

Loneliness…a toothache of the soul

 

Loneliness is one of life’s most miserable experiences. Everyone feels lonely at times, but is there a message for us in loneliness? Is there a way we can turn it into something positive?

Sometimes loneliness is a temporary condition that departs in a few hours or a couple of days. But when you’re burdened with this emotion for weeks, months, or even years, it’s definitely telling you something.

In a sense, loneliness is like a toothache: It’s a warning signal that something is wrong. And like a toothache, if left unattended, it usually gets worse. Your first response to loneliness may be to self-medicate – to try home remedies to make it go away.

Busyness is a common treatment.

You may think that if you fill your life with so many activities that you don’t have time to think about your loneliness, you’ll be cured. But busyness misses the message. It’s like trying to heal a toothache by taking your mind off it. Busyness is only a distraction, not a cure.

Buying is another favorite therapy.

Maybe if you purchase something new, if you “reward” yourself, you’ll feel better. And surprisingly, you do feel better – but only for a short while. Buying things to fix your loneliness is like an anesthetic. Sooner or later the numbing effect wears off. Then the pain comes back as strong as ever. Buying can also compound your problems with a mountain of credit card debt.

Bed is a third response to loneliness.

You may believe that intimacy is what you need, so you make an unwise choice with sex. Like the prodigal son, after you come to your senses, you’re horrified to discover that this attempt at a cure not only makes loneliness worse, it also makes you feel desperate and cheap. This is the false cure of our modern culture, which promotes sex as a game, as recreation. This response to loneliness always ends in feelings of alienation and regret.

The real message, the real cure.

If all of these approaches don’t work, what does? Is there a cure for loneliness? Is there some secret elixir that will fix this toothache of the soul?

We need to begin with a correct interpretation of this warning signal. Loneliness is God’s way of telling you that you have a relationship problem. While that may seem obvious, there’s more to it than just surrounding yourself with people. Doing that is the same as busyness, but using crowds instead of activities.

God’s answer to loneliness is not the quantity of your relationships, but the quality.

Going back to the Old Testament, we discover that the first four of the Ten Commandments are about our relationship with God. The last six commandments are about our relationships with other people.

How is your relationship with God? Is it close and intimate, like that of a loving, caring father and his child? Or is your relationship with God cold and distant, only superficial?

As you reconnect with God and your prayers become more conversational and less formal, you’ll actually feel God’s presence. His reassurance is not just your imagination. We worship a God who lives among his people through the Holy Spirit. Loneliness is God’s way, first, of drawing us closer to Him, then forcing us to reach out to other people.

For many of us, improving our relationships with others and letting them get close to us is a distasteful cure, as dreaded as taking your toothache to a dentist. But satisfying, meaningful relationships take time and work. We’re afraid to open up. We’re afraid to let another person open up to us.

Past hurts have made us distrustful.

Friendship requires giving, but it also requires taking, and many of us would rather be independent. Yet the persistence of your loneliness should tell you that your past stubbornness hasn’t worked either.

If you muster the courage to restore your relationship with God, then with others, you’ll find your loneliness lifting. This is not a spiritual Band-Aid, but a real cure that works.

Your risks toward others will be rewarded. You’ll find someone who understands and cares, and you’ll find others whom you understand and care about as well. Like a visit to the dentist, this cure turns out to be not only final, but much less painful than you feared.

Just a few things I am working on.  What about you?  Are you experiencing any loneliness?  I would love to hear from you.

In His Grip,

Mary

Words…

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.   Proverbs 15:1 (The Message)

What does your presence bring to those you encounter? Some people bring negativity. Some bring joy. Some bring the jarring-edge of unresolved anger or hurt, while others bring calm.

You can’t manage anyone’s responses to life except your own. However, paying attention to your own responses will help you think about what you are bringing to encounters you have with others.

Often those closest to us get the frayed edges after a challenging day. Sometimes our own ragged edges work like a giant spoon, stirring up irritation and anger. Let’s be mindful, especially at home, to help create the atmosphere we desire.

Today, be deliberate in watching your tones, your responses, and your words. Choose words that are kind. Choose words that are true and encouraging.

The old saying still holds true: “People will seldom remember what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.”

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.  Proverbs 15:1 (The Message)

Keep God’s wisdom close at hand today. The effect in your home will be well-worth the effort.

Father God, today I ask that the responses of my heart and mouth will be gentle and kind. May I help create an atmosphere where Your love is felt through me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Questions: What responses, tones, and words are you stirring into the atmosphere of your home? How can you help to create an environment where you will be remembered for filling the air with the fragrance of Christ?

In His Grip,

Mary